Mind Reader
by FailingDemi
Summary: Oh.Kyo 101's Exclusive Sneak Peek: THE SECRET BEHIND KYOUYA'S AWESOMNESS! Click to Read Moar. -PARODY/ONESHOT-Rated T for itty bitty implied twincest-


A/N: ...I've officially lost my mind...and I like how my brain's in turmoil in trying to keep up with my insanity. -woo- o.o Anyways...XD I just wanted to try a new style. My lil' sarcastic self narrating this whole thing...yeah...enjoy my whimsical talking. If I suddenly swerve off topic and go onto the topics of cookies, don't blame me. (though I hardly doubt that that happened--OOMFG. DIDJA KNOW I ATE CHOCOLATE OUT OF IT'S WRAPPER WITH A SPOON!? o.O)

-gets shot-

Anyways...-cough- It's supposed to be a little weird info sheet thingy...a parody...slights hints of twincest, not that major. XD Don't die on me please...

Oh wells! ENJOY!

Disclaimer: Dun own, and thanks to Literate who got dragged into reading the weird thing to look for mistakes. (Though I'm sure that she's a rather horrible beta reader, since she spends 95.5 percent of the time laughing her ass off...)

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**Welcome! You have decided to click on this rather nice info sheet! Please sit back and relax as we cruise you along the secrets of the success of one individual…**

**Fasten thy seatbelts, for you may fall over or something. Now bringing forth to you…Oh.Kyo 101! (shut up, it's **_**unique**_**. -.-)**

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**Ohtori Kyouya…is a really amazing individual. Every move is calculated and thought over; not one mistake was unintentional, and if he made the **_**accident **_**of letting something slip, it always produced fruitful results. **

"Kyouya-sempai is _always_ planning something up his sleeves."

"Sneaky, sneaky, Kyou-chan!"

**When he stares at people—he doesn't simply **_**stare**_** at people just for the heck of **_**staring**_**. He stares at people to better decipher their personalities…just like how we all stare at people to hear better.**

"Don't you ever get that feeling that Kyouya's looking at you? He has those little raven eyes staring at you, like you did something bad!"

"…but he only looks at you because of your actions, Tamaki-sempai."

"Aa."

**He is able to predict when profits are going down and he finds a way to work around it. Ohtori Kyouya is an epitome of…**_**perfection**_**.**

**What is the key to his success you ask?**

Tamaki: "His glasses?"

Hikaru and Kaoru: "Purple Energy?"

Mori: "…sleep deprivation…"

Haruhi: "…black notebook?"

Honey: _"CAKE?!"_

**Alas, these things were not the key of his success. But a simply, god-given talent that he had honed ever since he started becoming a smart ass. Yes, there were no tricks about it! He did not succeed because of his glasses, nor with purple energy or books…not even cake!**

**But by the power of…**

Shhp—

"Why are you guys all here in the storage room?"

"Er…nothing!"

…_**mind reading.**_

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It was no doubt that Kyouya was so awesome to the point where he had obtained this unimaginable power of being able to read minds.

It was easy really; all he had to do was sit in his chair propped in front of his laptop and think about nothing, while intercepting thoughts from others and making them his own. Make sense?

Didn't think so. I don't know either. But anyways, we shall see how and why he is so successful in the terms of being able to read what others have in mind.

**Advantages Demonstration 01— Avoid Profit Decrease:**

"Ah, Kyouya, I have a question for pet day!" a blonde bounded up to him a happy face pasted onto his features. Kyouya blinked and turned around looking at his friend with a bored and dull look.

'_I hope I can bring Antoinette! Kyouya HAS to say yes!'_

"Can I—?"

"No, Tamaki, it'll simple cause havoc if you bring one of your pets to the host club."

He gaped.

'_Why not?'_

"But—"

"Antoinette will only cause problems Tamaki, and if you know better it will decrease the amount of customers coming because she is hardly containable," he ended coolly, whilst pushing up his glasses. "What an idiotic question you were about to ask."

He snapped his notebook closed and sophisticatedly pushed his glasses up his head. "Anyways, unless you have any other questions, please excuse me…"

Tamaki only stared dejectedly as the raven-haired second-year traveled away from him.

**/End demonstration.**

As shown by demo one, Kyouya read his best friend's mind. He was able to swerve from the impending doom that the blonde dog would have brought onto the club.

The profits could've gone down and as a vice president of the club, he couldn't allow it.

Of course he has more uses for the ability of mind reading. It wasn't like he uses it _only_ for the host club. He takes advantage of this ability for himself as well. Ohtori Kyouya was a very mature teenager, but surrounded by a hoard of idiots…

He had to survive somehow, no?

**Advantages Demonstration 02— Survival:**

"Kyouya-sempai!"

And a hand landed onto his shoulder, and stopped said second-year in his trail, especially from opening the door to the host club. His mind was whirring, and if you listen closely you can hear the—

_Beep-beep, beep, beep-beep._

He turned his head around slightly, catching a glimpse of a disheveled Hitachiin. Faced with the dilemma of matching a name to a face (especially when there are two of them), Kyouya's mind begins to work in fascinating ways…

Bangs detected—processing image—

_Beep-beep, beep, beep-beep._

-image processed—matching image to twins—matching—perfect match—

"…You needed something, Hikaru?" he asked coolly, dropping his hand from the doorknob of the host club. Kyouya could, with no doubt, see that this certain Hitachiin was nervous and quite bouncy—

'_If he walks into the door, the paint will—'_

"Is it something you must tell me?" he bombarded, a smile almost twitching against his lips. "Is it Kaoru? Need an excused note?"

Hikaru fumbled with the hems of his blazer, looking nervous._ '…how to say it—how to say it—'_

"Uhm—"

"Or is it a prank that you don't want me to walk into?"

Hikaru twitched.

Kyouya held in a smirk. Got it.

"Er, n-no! Not at all!" the strawberry blonde laughed, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. Kyouya's eyes narrowed in amusement, and he casually place his hands into his pocket.

'_So he refuses to acknowledge it?'_

"Well then, I guess I should go in before club starts—" His hand grabbed the handle. He wasn't going to push it anyways and risk having paint dunk on him—not only would that suck but…it'd stain his clothes and he had prepared for any pranks today.

Hikaru's eyes widened and he tried to lurch forward to stop him: "NO!"

_K-chak—_

_SPLSH_

Kyouya smartly took a step back, avoiding the extra red paint that splattered around the floor. He wasn't surprised, only staring at Hikaru, who got bloodied from the dunk. Yes…his whole body was splashed with paint.

"…I expect this cleaned later."

He wandered to the other door and walked through it, leaving a very much stunned Hitachiin dirty the floor with wet paint.

**/End Demonstration.**

As shown in demonstration two, Kyouya has not been dunked with paint. That was highly understandable for the Shadow king just _cannot_ fall for tricks. It'd hurt his pride and he'd also look really stupid as well. He was sure that even _if_ he was splashed with such a sickening color, the older twin of the Hitachiins would be in…_deep shit_, so to speak.

A win-win situation actually…

But one bearing a much worse consequences (such as being covered with red goop) are better off not approached, Kyouya figured. Therefore to skid past the twin's pranks harmlessly and avoid danger, having the wonderful ability of reading minds is very much a necessity of life.

However, one who possesses such a mighty and inexhaustible power such as that surely must be tired of having stressed his brain. Once in a while, the effects of owning such awesomness kick in resulting in a heavy and major disaster…

**Drawbacks Demonstration 01— Malfunctioned Filter**

He adeptly kept typing, his fingers making contact into the keys of his keyboard. Numbers popping up on the spreadsheet as if magically summoned—this was the usual in the day of Ohtori Kyouya in the host club.

Thoughts of the customers wafted to his mind as if like a magnet, and from what he could hear, the ladies were well served and tended to.

A normal day in the Host Club was going well.

Then something went _Zaaa_ and Kyouya's fingers paused at typing, and dark clouds swirled around his head.

What…What is this that he's feeling?!

He placed a hand to his forehead and propped his head against his elbow. No…it cannot be…the side effects are kicking in, shoving it's shoe against his head! The headache swarmed as if like a cloud of bees—

"Kyouya-sempai, are you feel alright…?"

"Ah…" he murmured, before casting a glance at the cross-dresser of the club. Kyouya closed his eyes, and forced himself to think about something to occupy his mind. "No…I'm just feeling a bit of a headache."

"Would you want some painkillers?"

A sharp pang shoved at his head again—

"…that'd be appreciated," he murmured, as calmly as possible. As the brunette walked away, Kyouya slid onto the table in front of him, while closing his onyx eyes. Aw, dammit, headache's are a pain in the ass, and yeah…headaches belong to ache in the head (but for today, exclusively it's a pain in the ass).

The headache was draining his ability to think! It cannot be…that the consequences of this power were getting more devastating! He sweat dropped, as he heard the passing thought fly into his head—

'_Kyouya-kun looks extra sexy today…'_

He scrubbed his head, trying to ignore the thought of a passing customer. Why were his mind reading powers failing so epically now?! Usually, he was able to filter such inappropriate comments about himself, but…

Now…it decided to fail on him…_fail_!

'_EE! I GOT A NICE VIEW OF KYOUYA-KUN'S ASS—'_

Kyouya twitched, and sat up quickly, grim lines drawn underneath his eye.

Hell…

This is hell…

What happened to his mental filter?! SUCH INAPPROPRIATNESS MUST BE FILTERED!

And when Haruhi came back with painkillers and a cup of water, Kyouya was laying face-down on the table, defeated.

**/End Demonstration.**

The headaches are relieved, that is…well…a relief. As the vice president of the Host Club, his status as to stay in a position of power is vital. He cannot just fall into a headache that disables him from doing his daily tasks.

Yes, painkillers are wonderful in such a time of 'need'. A side effect that is known to cause Kyouya mental brain damages…is usually turned off, however when the product mind-reader is used too much, he not only can read other's minds, but as well envision what they see.

And dammit, why does his thought-radar extend an extra ten feet when his mind isn't working correctly?

**Drawbacks Demonstration 02— Mental Image Processor**

Kyouya sat alone in the host club, leaning against the chair in ease. His headaches have long gone, and now he's having the leisure time to type up the host club's profits decreases and increases.

…joy.

Faintly behind him sounded a faint _Tmp, tmp_, some whispering, and then a slam.

He didn't notice really.

Just kept on typing and estimating.

'Tamaki's profits have increased by the usual amount of forty-five percent—'

'_Oh Hikaru, kiss me more—'_

Kyouya felt a lone shiver tingle down his spine.

…what the hell did he just imagine? The glasses-wearing second-year shook his head and continued typing, trying to ignore the possibilities that there were people other than him in the room. He pushed off his glasses before going back to typing.

'…probably an increase in female drama, it has led them to go to complain to Tamaki—'

'_Oh god, more—'_

His eye twitched, as the mental image of two kissing incestuous twins flashed in his mind. He twitched again as his mind switched views, and showed one of the identical images start molesting—

No…

He was _not_ a pervert.

Why the hell would he be thinking of these things anyways?! That was nonsense! He does not have weird fantasies about his two underclassmen! Impossible! Kyouya rubbed his temples distractedly, glaring at the computer screen.

Perhaps his imagination was working up—

Loud moans broke in through the heavy silence, and most importantly it came from the other room.

_Oh shit._

It wasn't his imagination—it. Was. _Real_.

_--several minutes later. _

The door blasted open, and Kyouya stomped out of the third music room, a deep frown on his face. His face was splashed with red, no it was not make-up or paint. His laptop tucked safely underneath his arms.

'Can't…take…damn…noises…anymore.'

**/End Demonstration.**

Now…

Understand?

Yes?

Yes.

Good.

Okay.

**This has been an exclusive peek into the secrets of Ohtori Kyouya! **

**And we'll see you next time on Oh.Kyo 101! **

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A/N: And will there ever be another episode of Oh.Kyou 101?! GOD KNOWS. Actually, I really don't know. lol. A one time thing of evilness and mushrooms. -wow, it's almost late here...-

Anyways...reveiw! And also, check out Shine and join. Haha...we're awesome...? -nudges-

-Demi-kun.


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